The Shakeover Makeover ? Shake Your PB Till It Shines!
by authors Corey Rosen Schwartz and Tiffany Strelitz Haber
Let’s face it. Editors don’t want a work in progress. They don’t want a decent representation of an adequate concept. They don’t want to think- well this could be good if only….
They want a knock-it-out-of-the-park big gleaming diamond baseball with jazz hands hurling over the furthest wall in the stadium with a trail of comets in its wake.
We’re here to help.
*Throughout this post, you’ll notice before/after pics of various, um….situations. No text necessary- just our way of subconsciously (redundantly?) driving our point home. Please note- these are not exaggerations. The way you view these before photos is exactly how an editor perceives an unpolished draft!
Enough chit chat. Let’s apply some “makeover techniques” to a couple of picture book verses!
THE BEFORE:
Ollie and Claire were a the closest of friends.
Together like butter and jam.
They’d spend every day by the lake in the park
where they ran and they danced and they swam.
It’s fine. But it doesn’t shine.
The meter is solid, it rhymes, introduces the two main characters and gives you a little peek into their daily lives together. In short- it provides the foundation for the verse….but not the pizazz.
Let’s work some magic:
Alla Kazoo….Alla Kazee….Alla Kazam!
Ollie and Claire were a tightly knit pair.
Like hot buttered biscuits and jam.
They’d frolick each day at the park by the bay
where they yodeled and yoga’d and swam.
See the difference? More importantly…feel the difference?
Through a combination of internal rhyme, alliteration, unpredictable word choices and enhanced descriptions, the stanza has undergone a makeover. From “Fine, But Bland”, to….”King Of The Sand!”
Let’s take a look at another roll-out-of-bed stanza.
Context- The three pigs get fed up with the big bad wolf and decide to go to Ninja school. Pigs 1 and 2 are lazy and drop out after a few lessons. Pig 3, however, is determined to stick with it.
THE BEFORE
She focused and stretched like an expert,
She balanced with great self-control.
By the time she was through,
she could break boards in two.
And had fully perfected each goal
Now it’s time to doll it up. Smooth out the meter. Apply some alliteration. Add a touch of internal rhyme. Polish with puns and wordplay.
And when you’re done it shimmers.
She balanced and blocked like an expert
and practiced her lessons non-stop
By the time she was through
she could break boards in two
by performing a perfect pork chop!
Now it’s your turn. Take out a rhyming manuscript. Hone in one stanza. How can you infuse it with sizzle and flair?
You can paste your BEFORE stanza into our comments section and we will offer tips. Or you can try to polish it yourself and paste in both the before and after. Either way, all participants will be entered to win a free critique from either Corey or Tiffany.
We look forward to seeing your makeovers!
Corey Rosen Schwartz is the author of HOP PLOP (2006), THE THREE NINJA PIGS (2012) and GOLDI ROCKS AND THE THREE BEARS (2014). Corey constantly tries to use her seven-year-old daughter as a beta reader, but she always gets the same feedback. “Mommy, I love it, but I think it would be a little bit better if the main character was a dog!”
HOP! PLOP! by Corey Rosen Schwartz: Hop! Plop! Boom! Bop! This day’s fun will never stop!
Mouse and Elephant know that the perfect remedy to a boring day is a trip to the playground. But it’s a little tough to decide which playground ride is their favorite. With Elephant so Big, and Mouse so Small, each ride can be a bit of a challenge for the pair. The seesaw sends Mouse soaring. The swings are a total flop for Elephant. And the whirly-bird is just a bit too whirly for Mouse. It takes a little bit of trial and a whole lot of error before Mouse and Elephant discover what their favorite really is — each other.
Tiffany Strelitz Haber is the author of two forthcoming, rhyming picture books: The Monster Who Lost His Mean (Holt/Macmillan, 2012) and Ollie and Claire (Philomel/Penguin 2013).
She has eaten fried bugs, jumped out of airplanes and lives for adventures in general. Tiffany grew up in NYC, but is now located in central NJ, and available for workshops everywhere.
THE MONSTER WHO LOST HIS MEAN, is a fun, rhyming picture book about a monster who lost his “M.” When his “M” goes missing, his “meanness” and monster friends do too! This picture book tells the story of how sometimes, when things get lost, bigger and better things can be found.
PATRICIAJO’BRIEN
BEFORE:
In the middle of the night Esme had an awful fright. Her bed began to bump. Thumpety-thump, THUMP.
Esme clutched her blankie to her chin. Then Mamá peeked in. “What is the matter to cause such a clattery-clatter?”
“Oh,” Esme said, “A goblin is beneath my bed. He slobbers and picks his nose and bumpety-bumps when he counts his toes.”
AFTER:
In the middle of the night,
Esme had an awful fright.
Her bed began to bump bump bump.
Her heart began to thump thump thump.
.
She clutched her blankie to her chin.
when Mama softly tiptoed in.
.
“What is the matter, Esme dear?
Is everything alright in here?”
“I’m scared to pieces,” Esme said.
A goblin is beneath my bed.
He slobbers, slurps and picks his nose
and burpy burps and sucks his toes.”
Ok, so the easiest thing to do in this case- (and this has been a common theme in a few of the stanzas sent in)…is to chop up the lines to create a different structure for the story. This makes it easier to read, and also easier to write into a consistent rhythm/meter. We’ve also smoothed out the meter in various places where the lines ran on too long. Ideally, you want to be able to tap your toe to the beat of the story…just like you would to a good song. Your first two lines should serve as the template for all subsequent couplets. Hope this helps!
Is it too late to enter? Would love to submit a stanza but am a day behind on the conference material. Reading all your comments is really informative. Thanks!
Teresa,
You can enter and we’ll do our best to get to it. As you can imagine, it takes a lot of time to tweak, but we’d like to get to as many as we can!
We’re realizing that it is very hard to give feedback with so little context, so if you do enter, give us at least two stanzas! (or a line or tow of explanation about the storyline)
Thanks,
C
Thanks so much for the feedback. I learned so much, not only from mine, but from the others as well. Awesome!
Thank you so much, Tiffany and Corey. It helps tremendously. Not only the cool tweak on mine but all the others. You guys, rock!
Loving reading your suggestions, Corey & Tiffany. Corey, just checking you got my email with the couple of extra stanzas to give you context for MR JUMBELINA?? You girls are going to be busy for a while with all these great rhyming PBs
Karen,
Good thing you said something! I hadn’t received it, but just checked and found it in my spam folder. Okay, you are definitely next!
C
Thank you, Corey! I love what you did with the last lines of my ITCHING SNITCHEROO stanza.
My only rhyming PB will never see the light of day (deservedly), so I won’t inflict that on everyone. But thanks for the push to always strive for a little more in our writing, polishing it a little more so it leaps off the page.
Karen,
We’re going to give you comments through email.
Myrna,
Glad you liked it. I had so much with yours!!!
Super post, Ladies! I’m terrified of rhyme. Corey, I can’t remember if you read my ms A Cake I Will Bake. It took me a year to get the meter right and to fix the forced problem, but after much discussion it turns out I just wrote a poem, not a pb.
Good luck to everyone on the drawing.
Thanks so much! Got your first email & have replied but it’s 11pm here so I’m about to crash…
Hi, Rhyming Ninjas!
I jumped in right away (near the top of the comments) with the note I pasted here, but then had an internet malfunction- such bad timing! I’ve been through your responses twice hoping that you worked with my offering, but can’t find any replies from you about it. Any chance for one now that I seem to have my internet-act together?
Thanks, Sandy
Original coimment:
Thanks so much for great tips and examples.
Pictures do say more than words, I guess, but your words shine, too.
Would love to win the critique, but I’ll be excited to see what you might do with this section from Dumping the Trash, a boy searching through his backpack:
I cleared my desk and dumped my stuff,
a desperate move, I guarantee,
‘cause out poured garbage, quite enough,
to make a tower of debris!
A plastic spoon, all chocolate crusted,
cookie bits, a fake mustache,
an action figure, badly busted,
fish food flakes, my chewed-gum stash,
Thanks!
JULIE HEDLUND
Before:
“How dare you bring glass!” she stomped on the tile.
“I’m not Cinderella. I deserve my own style.
I want shoes bedecked with diamonds and pearls.
I want shoes that sparkle and glow when I twirl.”
After:
“Glass?!” she protested, and stomped on the tile.
“I’m not Cinderella. I want my own style.”
“Like shoes that are covered in diamonds and pearls.
That shimmer and glimmer with luminous swirls.”
In this case, we smoothed out the meter so the stresses fall in the natural spots. For us, it felt awkward to say, “I WANT shoes……..i WANT shoes…..” Seemed as though the stress more naturally falls on the word “shoes”. As is, “I want SHOES that glitter….” It’s subtle, but definitely distinguishable when you read through the stanza as a whole.
The other issue was just a redundancy thing with the 3rd and 4th lines. We didn’t want to tinker much with content, given that this was just an isolated verse, so we left it discussing the shoes….but if there is another article of clothing that can be described in line 4 (maybe a dress or a tiara), instead of more about the shoes…that might be a stronger option. Remember. Every. Word. Counts. So you never want to say in 2 lines, what you can say in 1 line. Efficiency is key! We were both very intrigued about this character, btw! Seems like an awesome concept!
Ammie Revelle
BEFORE
I sink and stick in sugar pits,
Then climb a mound of greasy grits,
While taking several bites and licks.
Hi Ammie,
It is hard to give feedback on such a tiny snippet, but I really thought this one was fun to read aloud! I am normally really bothered by imperfect rhymes, but “licks’ might be okay for me here. It would kind of depend on what you did in other stanzas?
I would suggest you rethink “sink and stick” in the first line. I love alliteration and consonance, but sometimes when you have two words that are visually close to rhymes, it can trip the reader up. Both words end with “k’ and I stumbled a little.
AFTER
I slip and stick in sugar pits,
Then climb a mound of greasy grits,
While taking itty-bitty licks.
MICHELLE MCLEAN
BEFORE
They glided on petals to a waterfall cliff,
that fed to a lake violet and blue.
And Lyria’s fish sprouted gem-covered wings,
then up above the waters it flew.
AFTER
They paddled on petals to waterfall cliffs,
towering over a lake filled with dew.
And Lyria’s fish sprouted gem-covered wings,
dripping diamonds and pearls as it flew.
AFTER AFTER
They paddled on petals to waterfall cliffs
That sparkled a radiant blue.
And Lyria’s fish sprouted gem covered wings
As it took to the breezes and flew.
You had some nice progress between your before and after. Paddled on Petals is an awesome use of alliteration, and just sounds good rolling off the tongue in general. “Towering over” was also a good visual…but we weren’t sure about “a lake filled with dew”. Seemed like more of a line written to rhyme with “flew”, than an honest depiction of the scene. You have some really beautiful imagery here….we just did some meter cleaning! Always remember- STORY FIRST. RHYME SECOND. Thanks for subbing to us!!
Many thanks! I appreciate your time and generosity.
Enjoyed this ladies! Thanks for participating!
Sandy Brehl
BEFORE
I cleared my desk and dumped my stuff,
a desperate move, I guarantee,
‘cause out poured garbage, quite enough,
to make a tower of debris!
A plastic spoon, all chocolate crusted,
cookie bits, a fake mustache,
an action figure, badly busted,
fish food flakes, my chewed-gum stash,
Hi Sandy,
Sorry for the delay in getting to yours. To be honest, we held off because we weren’t exactly sure what to suggest. You are clearly a very skilled rhymer! You made great use of the techniques we mention- internal rhyme, alliteration, etc.
Your first two lines read a little “old” to us. We don’t think an MC that age would say “cleared my desk” or “a desperate move, I guarantee”. That comes across as more adult-like.
Our general feeling is that it is never a good idea to attempt an ABAB rhyme scheme. Though you pull it off quite impressively in this excerpt, it is SO restrictive and we fear that the rhyme will end up driving the story…(this may have contributed to our issues in line 2) Guarantee feels a little forced, but I don’t know what to suggest in its place, since I like “tower of debris” and don’t want to see you lose that. It might help if we knew why the MC was dumping everything out? Is he looking for something lost? Did Mom tell him he had to?
We don’t have a good AFTER suggestion, but we’ll keep thinking!
C
SANDY
We dropped the ABAB rhyme scheme, but herer is an attempt at a slightly “younger” sounding opening:
AFTER
I dumped my toy chest on the floor
a big mistake, I soon could see
Cause out poured garbage, quite enough
To make a tower of debris
Thank you for your kind response to my earlier email regarding late entries. My desperate plea for help is below. The first line reoccurs throughout the story and the underwear is important because that is what transports Simon to a different adventure each day. Thank you!
“Breakfast is ready,” called mom up the stairs,
“and please put on some clean underwear!”
Simon grabbed some undies with cowboys and stirrups
then followed the smells of pancakes and syrup.
Oh, that first bite was delicious, so warm and so sweet
but the next gulp was beans! YUCK – beans and buckwheat!
“Howdy!” said cowboys. “Now get in the saddle,
there’s rustlers around so let’s herd up the cattle.”
Corey,
Thanks so much for the encouragement and helpful comments.
The premise is a student dumping out a backpack at school in a desperate attempt to find a missing assignment (turns out it is on the topic of keeping the environment clean!) In that sense the MC is a bit older, but not Mid school- more like 2nd/3rd grade.
At any rate, I’ll revise with an eye to the identifying “grown-up-ish” word choice.
I was actually including some sophisticated word choice for the very intent of stretching readers, but that may be taking on too much. Opinions on when that works and when it doesn’t?thanks again for your follow-up. Your comments to each and every example are so helpful.
Sandy
This time the snot ran down my nose. I didn’t want to lick it.
I looked around to find a place where I could go and stick it.
“Mom, here’s my sneeze,” I blew it out and handed her my tissue.
Mom scrunched her nose, she caught my sneeze-I laughed and said,
“Mom, bless you!”
Reading these was SO HELPFUL!! Thank you both for the time and creativity you poured into each submission. Your love of fun and rhyme shone through!
Thank you!!
Oh, you guys truly are rhyming ninjas! I can’t wait until you get to the rest of us. This is so much fun; I hope you do it again next year.
Sandy,
Yes, I think I can answer that! I am a BIG believer in exposing kids to new vocabulary. i sprinkle sophisticated words throughout my picture books all the time.
For example:
The wolf saw that he was outrivaled
He shuddered and shivered with fear.
“Though I do love to dine
on succulent swine,
I’d best get the heck outta here!”
The difference is… this is a third person story. The narrator can get away with it. You have written yours in first so everything you write is coming out of kid’s mouth. You have to be much more cautious about word choice, Even if a kid is precocious and has a sophisticated vocabulary, there might be certain expressions or word combinations he would not use.
Cathy,
We love that you called us “Meter Maids.” We would like to use the name for a workshop we are doing and to thank you, we want to offer a full critique.
Please email us with an entire PB manuscript.
Thanks,
C & T
scubacor (at) aol
Ahh–I was going to post an ABAB rhyme, but now I’m worried about the limiting nature of it. What style do you suggest converting it into?
Thanks!
Wendy,
Maybe I shouldnt’ have cautioned against it. But to me, ABCB is SO much easier and for all the work that ABAB requires the payoff isn’t that great.
Tiffany and I do a lot of ABAB , but we throw in a lot of internal rhyme I feel that sort of makes up for it. Tiffany’s Ollie and Claire stanza is a great example:
Ollie and Claire were a tightly knit pair.
Like hot buttered biscuits and jam.
They’d frolick each day at the park by the bay
where they yodeled and yoga’d and swam.
I also think ABCCB is a fun thing to try (That is what NINJA PIGS was written in)
Hi Rhymers,
Thanks so much for your patience as we go through the submissions! So many fun, original ideas out there….awesome work! If we haven’t gotten to yours yet…hang tight…we’re working on every single one. Winners of the free critiques will be announced shortly as well- so keep checking back!
Thanks again,
Tiffany and Corey
D’oh! Meant to say Tiff and I do a lot of ABCB
here’s another example of it.
Sherlock Hound of Baker Street
arrived at home one night
to find his townhouse upside down,
a topsy-turvy sight!
The table legs were turned on end,
the nightstand–gnashed and gnawed,
his underwear, tossed here and there,
his comfy quilt– cole-slawed!
SHERI DILLARD
BEFORE
‘Twas the eve before New Year, when all through the house
All the elves were atwitter, especially Mouse.
They were baking, bedecking, and dressing with flair
For the North Pole’s magnificent New Year Affair!
Sheri,
We just have one question… is Mouse and Elf? if so, this works beautifully. Your meter is spot on in these couplets.
You might want to say “new year’s affair” (with apostrophe “s) but I guess that’s just a personal preference.
if Mouse is not an elf, then you have a forced rhyme there and need to rethink those lines.
Off to a fun start!
WENDY GREENLEY
First off, ha, ha on your Nick Nolte comment
BEFORE
Kitty sleeps like maple syrup (rolling) off a stack of pancakes.
She oozes over window ledges.
She seeps between sofa cushions.
Some cats sleep Sphinx-like.
Other cats fold into furry footballs,
Or sleep str-e-t-ched like exclamation points. But—
Kitty melts in every direction.
Wendy,
We love the images in this one! The more I read it, the more lyrical it feels! Love the way you stretched out the word s-t-r-e-t-c-h. Kudos! Not sure we can improve upon it!
Here are our only thoughts…
Is “roll” the perfect verb for that pancake syrup line? (did you check a thesaurus? drip? dribble? trickle?
Would you wan tot consider adding a third lien after
She oozes_______
She seeps___________
We LOVE Rule of Three and follow it whenever we can.
AFTER
Kitty sleeps like maple syrup dribbling off a stack of pancakes.
She oozes over window ledges.
She seeps between sofa cushions.
She trickles down bedspreads. (you can do better. Just an example
Some cats sleep Sphinx-like.
Other cats fold into furry footballs,
Or sleep str-e-t-ched like exclamation points. But—
Kitty melts in every direction.
JO HART
BEFORE
Jim scratched at his spots with no clue what to do,
He noticed a spot disappearing, now two!
Had he been cured by the Choc Sundae mess?
He rubbed a bit more on his nose as a test.
The orange spot faded and then disappeared,
Young Jimmy jumped up and down as he cheered.
“At last I’m rid of this polka dot cancer,
“Who would’ve thought that ice-cream was the answer!”
AFTER
Jim scratched at his spots with no clue what to do,
He noticed a spot disappearing, now two!
But how? An idea turned on like a light,
His hands were still covered in Sundae Delight!
Perhaps he’d been cured by the chocolatey mess?
He rubbed a bit more on his nose as a test.
The orange spot faded and then disappeared,
Young Jimmy jumped up and down as he cheered.
“At last I am rid of these spots. Hip hooray!
“Who knew that ice-cream could take spots away!”
Jo, You did a great job with your AFTER! It flows much better than your first draft.
I love the internal rhymes in the first few lines
Jim scratched at his spots with no CLUE what to DO,
He noticed a spot disappearing, NOW two!
But HOW? An idea turned on like a light,
Keep in mind, everybody, that internal rhymes don’t have to fall within the same line!
Our only suggestions would be to see if there is any way to get rid of the imperfect rhyme (mess with test) And also, see if maybe you can work the word “polka-dot” back in. It got lost in the rewrite and its a fun kid word. Plus dot rhymes with spot so it would fit in well!
Thanks so much! I love your suggestions – going to go back through my manuscript and see what else I can tweak
And I will have my fingers crossed I win a critique LOL Thanks so much for the wonderful post and mini crit 
CHRISTIE WRIGHT WILD
MY OLD STANZA:
In science, they learned of hypothesis tests
Using soda and mints Mr. Pancho possessed.
Explosions shot out from the bottles around.
Paprika burst out a great hiccupping sound.
She heard a few more, and then gasped at the sight:
All of her friends caught the hiccupping plight!
MY NEW POLISHED STANZA: (feel free to comment on this one instead)
In science they studied experiment rules
with some soda and mints as their new little tools.
Explosions shot out like a geyser of old.
Paprika let out a great hiccup so bold.
She heard a few more, and then gasped at the sight:
All of her friends caught the hiccuping plight!
THE CHALLENGE FOR YOU:
“Paprika Picante!” the principal cried.
“This huge epidemic – heekuh – must subside.
School is a place where we study and learn.
These hiccups have caused quite a bit of concern!
Academics will suffer. These hiccups can’t stay.
You must make this hiccupping scourge go away!”
Christie,
Great job. You’re very skilled with meter. And it’s certainly peppered with P’s
in your AFTER stanza, you could probably improve upon “new, little” tools. Maybe something more science-y- like “chemistry tools”
As for the challenge stanza, the only suggestion we have is to maybe swap out the word “academics” There is an extra unaccented beat.
Possibly “Your studies will suffer…”
Thanks for participating!
SA PUTNAM
From Bunkie’s Nonsense Poem
Washing machines can’t cry tears,
and pussycats don’t pilot Lears.
Snowmobiles can’t pick their nose,
what Bunkies do, I can only suppose.
Hmmm….this is a tough one to offer up an “AFTER” for, because without more context, we just don’t know where the poem is heading, or what a Bunkie IS as yet. We both felt, however, that the rhymes felt forced. “cry tears/pilot Lears” didn’t come across as natural, but rather as lines put together strictly for the rhyme. It’s also important to smooth out the meter a bit. The second line of each stanza should mirror the first line exactly. Right now, it’s a bit inconsistent. For example: “What Bunkies do, I can only suppose” needs to be tweaked so that “can only” becomes a one syllable word instead. Seems like you have a very fun concept going!! We are definitely intrigued…. What is a Bunkie?
Thanks for participating!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH. It is absolutely delightful to see all these transformations. So much fun!
Thanks so much for the feedback!
I think I’ve solved the problem of the near rhyme:
BEFORE
Perhaps he’d been cured by the chocolatey mess?
He rubbed a bit more on his nose as a test.
AFTER
Could ice-cream be the answer? Dare he suppose?
As a test he rubbed a bit more on his nose.
I’m also playing around with those last two lines to incorporate ‘polka dot’ back in. At the moment I’ve got:
“At last I am rid of this polka dot plight,
And I owe it all to Choc Sundae Delight!”
Not sure if I like it though.
“At last I am rid of this polka dot plight,
“Who knew that ice-cream made spots out of sight!”
Wow, you two are amazing rhymers! Thanks so much for all the feedback — I’ve learned so much from all the critiques!
Sheri
Thanks for sharing your examples on transformations in PB writing!
HI Jo,
YES! As far as your first example goes…that DOES fix the near-rhyme issue, however, a sneaky little meter issue has popped up in its place. Your meter in the original line (with the near-rhyme) was perfect. In the revised lines, it becomes inconsistent.
Here’s an option:
Was ice-cream the answer? Dare he suppose?
He rubbed a bit more on the tip of his nose.
In terms of the second couplet revision….it’s the meter that’s throwing it off. A small tweak in the second line can smooth it out.
Before:
At last I am rid of this polka dot plight,
And I owe it all to Choc Sundae Delight!”
After:
At last I am rid of this polka dot plight,
and I owe the good news to Choc Sundae Delight!
Hope this helps!
Hi Jo,
I kind of wanted to see Polka-dot and “spot” in that couplet
maybe something like..
At last I am rid of this polka dot plight
My spots are all gone thanks to Chocolate Delight.
Thank-you both! I had a feeling the meter wasn’t reading right where I fixed the near-rhyme.
I love the suggestion for the last couplet.
Well, I’m not afraid to grovel…Did I miss the announcement about the winner of the critique? I did find your note about “meter maids”- which I agree is an ideal nickname for you both.
Was that the critique giveaway winner, too, or a bonus?
I add that the detailed and clear revisions you offered everyone are outstanding and worth any number of rereads. Thanks particularly for the notes on my “Dumping the Trash”- so grateful for the coaching.